Monday, April 30, 2012


I had a trip down memory lane.
I looked properly to see whether what I'm doing is the right thing to do.
Was it the best thing to do?

I've always been this way as far as I can remember..
But I guess now, I'm able to think and see clearer 'cause I'm not only using my eyes.
I used my mind and my heart as the heart can see, if I may.

I didn't stop there, I even asked around to see whether I'm seeing it right or whether what I think is happening IS happening or not.
I asked those who're experienced and even those who're facing the same people I am or maybe the same kind of people to better understand the situation I'm facing.

I'm not a little girl anymore.
I'm twenty.
I've become tactless and insensitive, if you may but at least I don't drag in emotions into whatever that I do.
It might seem like I am but over reasonable reasons.
There will always be reasons and all you ever needed to do was ask 'cause I didn't ask to be deciphered despite my personal dislike to explain myself sometimes.
But when my reasons are being brought forward, you'll come to realise how simple my mind is.

I wasn't leering. Neither was I dissatisfied with anyone or reluctant to converse.
Being a caring friend that you are, you should know one of my ears isn't working right so I'm depending on only one ear to listen. And being a friend for years, I suppose you should know that my face has always been unfriendly if I don't smile or leave it be.

I have other better things to think about. And any problems I have with anyone doesn't concern you.
If you care so much and if you really want to plaster that up, believe me, you're not helping.
I've made my decision surprisingly long, long ago.
I have my own reasons. I do. And my reasons don't stand on their own.
They stand on proof and other peoples' similar thoughts about it if you prefer overlooking my own feelings involved.

Just understand that you can't expect or force people to be this way or that. Some people just don't, can't and won't.
So stop testing me like what devils do.

BE a human and HAVE feelings.

Enough is enough. I'm sorry that you don't see what I see.
I'm sorry you don't see what everybody else sees.
If you do and you can get over that, well, I can't.
It's been three years and I'm ashamed to say, I just lack the patience to withstand this.
This can be avoided. So I'm willing to do that now.
Even if it involves you.

Saying I'm cutting ties is just wrong even if it looks like it 'cause my intentions are different and it doesn't really matter what you think anymore.
Humans have feelings too and yes, patience has its limits. It's a good thing, Muslims have the Qur'an and humans were given brains to use.

I looked at the emails you sent me a long time ago, the blog we had..

I even bothered myself to look back and see our memories.

And I realised that I have made my choice to the, "what am I going to do now?" situation.

I'm keeping the old you, the one in my memories, the one who was my dear little sister in my heart. And I'm not going to keep who you are now in any parts of my life.

Clearly, from your face, you have some misunderstandings and misinterpretations of me but you dare not ask. I don't even need to ask you to know about it for usually, the answers come to me of their own wills. I'm just dissappointed that you didn't want to clear it up with me and ignore calling that a 'move on with life' believing in the wrong things your own heart perceives.

'Throwing' you away is a form of protection for myself, my feelings and especially my heart.
I would not like to taint it in any way. I can't afford to.
I need it to be clean for my memorisations to be intact.
And obviously, you're not helping.

I just want to achieve my dreams which is inclusive of my memorisations. I want to make my family happy and proud and I want to be a better mu'minah so I can help others especially myself.

If it's about anything regarding my hurt feelings or yours, I've forgiven you in order to forget all about it and remain focused. I hope that you can do the same 'cause I don't want to have to see you again just to clear that one up. I believe this is a way of those pesky devils trying to stop me in my tracks and stray my attention to worldy distractions.

In order to respect my own feelings, pride, dignity and what's best for me, I have to do this. I have to be apart from you as you're not what's best for me at the moment frankly speaking.

Maybe, one day we'll talk or stuff like that but for now, just leave me alone.
It was either my family or friends for sacrifice and I choose my family to be safe and close to me.

It's not about having you or friends around me. That does not matter anymore 'cause I'm not lonely, I'm just alone. And I'm happy, actually. So if I have company, alhamdulillaah. If I don't, then there'll be more time for me and God to spend a few thoughts together. And it's not about who's right or who's wrong 'cause think straight, this situation is already too far beyond that as alot has given up and in actual fact, it's already clear what is happening even if you're just blind to it. At least, I am not. And the rest of the people around you and me aren't either.

I'm afraid that I don't care anymore not 'cause I don't and am flaunting my ego.
It's just that my heart stopped caring.
And now, I'm able to make a decision and carry on with it truthful to my words.