Normality

I am actually quiet nowadays.

 

That whatever that runs through my mind and heart are too much that it stays in my mind and heart.

 

For now, I can only afford to think and speak to no one but since God can hear my heart and thoughts, you can say I speak to Him almost all the time. I just cannot seem to do anything else.

 

Like my life is very busy, yes, but not with anyone or anything that wastes my time.

 

Sometimes it gets boring y'know so you do alot of things, even sins to liven the quiet moments and times and savour every drop of adrenaline gushing through your veins.

 

But then, you eventually get tired and dread doing such things but still continue doing the things you didn't have the time to enjoy like catching up on my old ukhrawi subjects. Religion stuff. Basic, I mean. Just as an act of emphasis to whatever I already know.

 

Sometimes, I practise Mathematics. I'm not THAT bored but better than doing sins, right? Better than hanging out with friends. Better than going to class gatherings. So much better. 'Cause I admit I'm alone but I certainly don't feel lonely.

 

I find myself to be at peace and normal. No havoc. No drama. Just calmness and thinking about death. It gets depressing but having the happiest life won't guarantee my life in the hereafter anyway.

 

I find happiness in myself and thoughts and if I miss anyone, I will wait and hold it off until I really miss him or her and schedulise a meet-up. Hey. Even if I'm not busy with friends, doesn't mean I'm not busy with my family.

 

So I am a normal teenager. Just like everybody else.

 

Till then. (:

Seriously

I had a trip down memory lane.
I looked properly to see whether what I'm doing is the right thing to do.
Was it the best thing to do?

I've always been this way as far as I can remember..
But I guess now, I'm able to think and see clearer 'cause I'm not only using my eyes.
I used my mind and my heart as the heart can see, if I may.

I didn't stop there, I even asked around to see whether I'm seeing it right or whether what I think is happening IS happening or not.
I asked those who're experienced and even those who're facing the same people I am or maybe the same kind of people to better understand the situation I'm facing.

I'm not a little girl anymore.
I'm twenty.
I've become tactless and insensitive, if you may but at least I don't drag in emotions into whatever that I do.
It might seem like I am but over reasonable reasons.
There will always be reasons and all you ever needed to do was ask 'cause I didn't ask to be deciphered despite my personal dislike to explain myself sometimes.
But when my reasons are being brought forward, you'll come to realise how simple my mind is.

I wasn't leering. Neither was I dissatisfied with anyone or reluctant to converse.
Being a caring friend that you are, you should know one of my ears isn't working right so I'm depending on only one ear to listen. And being a friend for years, I suppose you should know that my face has always been unfriendly if I don't smile or leave it be.

I have other better things to think about. And any problems I have with anyone doesn't concern you.
If you care so much and if you really want to plaster that up, believe me, you're not helping.
I've made my decision surprisingly long, long ago.
I have my own reasons. I do. And my reasons don't stand on their own.
They stand on proof and other peoples' similar thoughts about it if you prefer overlooking my own feelings involved.

Just understand that you can't expect or force people to be this way or that. Some people just don't, can't and won't.
So stop testing me like what devils do.

BE a human and HAVE feelings.

Enough is enough. I'm sorry that you don't see what I see.
I'm sorry you don't see what everybody else sees.
If you do and you can get over that, well, I can't.
It's been three years and I'm ashamed to say, I just lack the patience to withstand this.
This can be avoided. So I'm willing to do that now.
Even if it involves you.

Saying I'm cutting ties is just wrong even if it looks like it 'cause my intentions are different and it doesn't really matter what you think anymore.
Humans have feelings too and yes, patience has its limits. It's a good thing, Muslims have the Qur'an and humans were given brains to use.

I looked at the emails you sent me a long time ago, the blog we had..

I even bothered myself to look back and see our memories.

And I realised that I have made my choice to the, "what am I going to do now?" situation.

I'm keeping the old you, the one in my memories, the one who was my dear little sister in my heart. And I'm not going to keep who you are now in any parts of my life.

Clearly, from your face, you have some misunderstandings and misinterpretations of me but you dare not ask. I don't even need to ask you to know about it for usually, the answers come to me of their own wills. I'm just dissappointed that you didn't want to clear it up with me and ignore calling that a 'move on with life' believing in the wrong things your own heart perceives.

'Throwing' you away is a form of protection for myself, my feelings and especially my heart.
I would not like to taint it in any way. I can't afford to.
I need it to be clean for my memorisations to be intact.
And obviously, you're not helping.

I just want to achieve my dreams which is inclusive of my memorisations. I want to make my family happy and proud and I want to be a better mu'minah so I can help others especially myself.

If it's about anything regarding my hurt feelings or yours, I've forgiven you in order to forget all about it and remain focused. I hope that you can do the same 'cause I don't want to have to see you again just to clear that one up. I believe this is a way of those pesky devils trying to stop me in my tracks and stray my attention to worldy distractions.

In order to respect my own feelings, pride, dignity and what's best for me, I have to do this. I have to be apart from you as you're not what's best for me at the moment frankly speaking.

Maybe, one day we'll talk or stuff like that but for now, just leave me alone.
It was either my family or friends for sacrifice and I choose my family to be safe and close to me.

It's not about having you or friends around me. That does not matter anymore 'cause I'm not lonely, I'm just alone. And I'm happy, actually. So if I have company, alhamdulillaah. If I don't, then there'll be more time for me and God to spend a few thoughts together. And it's not about who's right or who's wrong 'cause think straight, this situation is already too far beyond that as alot has given up and in actual fact, it's already clear what is happening even if you're just blind to it. At least, I am not. And the rest of the people around you and me aren't either.

I'm afraid that I don't care anymore not 'cause I don't and am flaunting my ego.
It's just that my heart stopped caring.
And now, I'm able to make a decision and carry on with it truthful to my words.

Drafted

So these are remnants of my past which apparently, I didn’t send out and I don’t really know why I didn’t as it was darn good.
I opened the whole letter and I realised how foolish I was to have not opened it any sooner!
It’s filled with things which I find beautifully phrased.

Have a look:

-          It's not a debate. It's a 'problem'. Look it up in the dictionary, it's a popular word people like you don't like to use everyday.

-          STOP PUTTING AN END TO UNFINISHED THINGS AND RUN AWAY!

-          I'm not always mad. I'm not always unsatisfied. I'm not always bad. Can you stop misunderstanding me? Why're people thinking that I'm giving you a hard time. Can't they see that I'm struggling with you? Why can't they see that I'm beaten low and down and I'm letting people step on me? I'm letting YOU step on me. I've never beaten my pride and humbled myself like this. I was always the one who'd come crawling back with you towering above just because I didn't want you hurt. I was always the one to say sorry, I was always the one to start resolving matters.

-          Why must you be defiant? Why must you think that people are always trying to corner you? For God's sake, I'm your close friend. I don't intend to kill you.

-          Is it that hard to just ask me, ''what's wrong?''. I didn't ask for people to decipher me.

-          As much as I like people to remind me if I made a mistake, you shouldn't be unaccepting of these.

-          You've succeeded in winning my pity for you. Can’t you see what God’s given you?

-          If you're going to continue prioritising your pride, I understand now that I was never a part of your pride.

-          I write things here for you to not only read but I want you back. I don't want this brat. At least, stop being so cruel with that mouth of yours.

-     I'm just going to be alone until someone comes up and shine the day for me. I'm just going to get on with life and accept the fact that you took the very ones that would call me up or message me just to check on me..the ones that'll pat me on the back and say 'hey!' when I'm alone. Whatever it is, I want you happy. If you think being insolent is making you happy, fine with me. If you think taking them away from me and what?-parading them in front of me's going to make you happy, do it. I just want you happy. I honestly do. No matter how many times I scream to say that I care, I shouldn't.

-     P.s. Like you said, ''you were never like this,''. So stop saying I've changed because I've begun to get back up. The new you's holding me down so I'm very well sure to say by now that you understand why I said ''I lost you,'' then...I lost you to yourself.

Actually, I don’t mind sharing this. It’s supposed to be private I assume as the matter regarding so is private but hey, I was the author not any one of you.
I find that whenever I write with feelings, it usually comes across passionately so it magnifies the feelings I was trying to portray to the readers.
Like here, I was angry and hurt so instead of the letter being just a heart-out letter, it became a harsh one too.

Anyway,
the person who it was for deserved it.
I still think so.
And the person still deserves it even now.
Not out of anger or anything but what I wrote,
this person just fits the bill.

Dear Ex-BestFriend,

Hi.

I'd like to take this opportunity to elaborate my side of the story.

Maybe, one day, you'll come to understand just like how you've come to terms about me not wanting to talk to you.

This is how I see it:

I don't care if you care about me or not.

I don't care if you love me as much as I do or not.

All I care about is what I have placed with you; my trust.

My belief in who you are.

My love to the person I thought you were.

I introduced someone to you, in the hope that you'd get better when I realised this.

I didn't choose just anyone but I chose the best of the best.

In terms of beauty and in terms of strength.

She's strong to hold down any tidings though she might not look like it.

Strong enough to distract you from me so you wouldn't notice my dissappearance in the midst of everything.

Yet YOU managed to hurt her.

And I had to come back and help straighten things out.

I even told her she could leave.

Like I told you not to hurt her.

But 'cause we both loved you, we both stayed.

And when we heard the problems you keep 'unconsciously' making, I told her straight out that she could leave and she said smilingly that it was okay.

While her eyes say differently and her actions speak accordingly.

I was angry.

And when you disturbed my other junior, I was more than angry.

I'm sorry to say this but she isn't as strong as the one you had.

She wouldn't stand the act of being-there-only-to-be-gone-the-next.

Nobody is to hurt her.

Not because I favour her but because you should use your brain.

She might be older than the other but she's still very fragile.

'Cause she lost alot as she grew old.

And I'm not about to let you ruin what she has been doing for herself:

Getting over things.

You'll just be a problem whether you like it or not.

It's up to you if you see it as, me choosing her over you 'cause you know that ain't true.

As for me, personally,

I left you 'cause I love you.

I didn't mean to do it so abruptly.

Even after you tried to be nice and talk to me.

This time, it's not to care for anyone else's heart.

It's my own decision.

Hate me if you must.

I'll even make you hate me if you still look my way.

'Cause all I was just doing is stop repeating the same cycle over and over again.

I hate seeing you this way.

And I hate me having to fight with you all the time.

Having to hurt you like feelings don't matter at all.

Aren't you tired?

I just don't want to get hurt.

And I don't want you hurt either.

I have my own problems and so do you.

I'd really love to be with you like we used to, eh?

But I think, that it'd be better this way.

It was even a good time to leave you too.

If anything happens, there'll be other people to cushion you if you fall.

Don't tell me I abandoned you or something like that.

I made sure you had a rope to hold onto so you wouldn't get lost when I'm gone.

Every single time.

Don't you believe me when I say that I will always love you?

Funny how I can be a lady of my words but you, as a man, can't.

God & Ego

Until today, I've yet to find reason how to reason out with people like you and I just figured out how.

You see, when Ego was exiled from Heaven, God didn't say anything but all He did was gave three chances.

That was it.

Three strikes aaaand you're out.

So I guess, I've given you three chances.

I'm in no position at all to try to understand and analyse stupidity nor to interpret idiocy.

I am in no position to try to reason out with things like that.

When God forbade Ego in Heaven and tortured him for that, I understand now how to deal with people like you.

Nothing.

Do absolutely nothing.

'Cause I can't torture you.

But God can.

So I guess, this serves as a reminder to other people out there.

It's okay if people reign on you with their egoes up high like there's no God in their lives.

It's absolutely okay.

Smile and pick yourself up.

Enjoy it like it's some kind of sickening pleasure for you.

'Cause when you stop to take a look back, you'll realise that God isn't blind and neither is He deaf.

But those people are.

Sadly, they are.

Heart-Out Regret

I really wish that I made my way to a secular secondary school.

I really wish I did and pushed my luck hard enough to get to any neighbourhood school.

I really wish I did so and met other friends.

I really really did wish so.

So I wouldn't meet anyone like I've met in my secondary school life.

I'd rather much be friends with those who don't know than those who do, yet are stubborn.

I'd learn so much more if I was with those who don't know.

But instead, I learnt how to be as those who know yet need tight slaps on their faces.

I feel so left behind for five years.

When I'm outside of the shell I've been in for eleven years, I realise that nowadays, most of the times, they appear more better than us.

Looking at where we came from, I'm abit ashamed to witness that, y'know.

I missed out five years of more than worthy friendships.

I think I would've done way better.

In terms of studies and even, life itself.

First Let-Out

I can say it out but you can never accept it so what is there to say?

Deep down in my heart, I really believed that you were different.And I stupidly accepted another spiteful woman in my life.

In what way is this impossible for me to remain unhurt?

It feels like you're going to lose two people in your life.

What hurts more is that you know that you don't have a choice.

You know it's the best.

You know it's time to give up on them.

You know how I feel right now?

I feel so....dissappointed in you guys.

Well, it's okay.

With all those lies that you weaved up for me to live through smiling along as we go..with all the bad intentions you have within you when you see nothing but my bad points and misunderstand me..

Did you honestly think you knew me?

So how does it feel like after three years living through that?

You must be wondering how idiotic I am to have stayed.

Now I'm going to stay put no more.

I'm not going to chase after trying to pull you back to see what I see.

Trying to pull you back before you drown any deeper.

How sad is that knowing that whenever you try to help, they'll push you away saying that you're jealous.. They say you have bad intentions.. They say you're sowing discords.. When it was for their own good..

Well, I'm not God.

And I wish I can save those that I truly love but I can't do anything no more and see as you eat others alive.

See as you so manipulatively search for more victims.

Tricking them into accepting you when you know you should have treated yourself first.

Live then, yeah.

Live and chase after all that you want to keep your heart intact and not your religion.

Live like you depend on this world as you are now.

But as you do and when you've reached your wits ends' one day.

When the truth prevails, don't look at me and don't expect an, "I told you so," but go on quickly and search for yourself, your God and your real purpose.

'Cause all I can see when I see you guys..is pure forgetfulness.

If someone was truly kind, he'd be kind to everyone and not just one.

I guess, some people never change.

They just learn to lie better.